Last week I turned 40 and as a gift to myself I have decided to write a book and totally allow myself to come first and surrender as I relish in the unfolding of what's to come.

How does that sound gorgeous lady? Profound? Scary? Refreshing?  

Relish in the unfolding of what’s to come. These eight words came to me just now as I was journalling around the fears I have been facing upon making the decision to invest in myself driven by my instinct. It feels like a flash of energy entering within my body, an idea, an impulse and when it keeps knocking I know that I need to take note and act upon it. Does this resonate with you at all? 

To help you to understand my fear of investing in myself I want to take you back 20 years. I was an under graduate student at the Royal Northern College of Music. I had previously studied for 2 years at the Junior Academy of Music and accepting my place at this college was one of absolute honour. However all too soon I went into a downward spiral towards the unworthy pit retracting into my shell time and time again. 

Sometimes the thought of singing made me feel sick. Yet I wanted to be a singer so much. And I always knew in my heart that I was a talented communicator. 

As a result my written work soared whilst my singing slumped. To stand up in front of my class and sing my chosen English song despite how luscious Britten’s melodies were was excruciating. I felt I was under the scrutiny looking glass. I sat week in week out over 4 years never being the first always waiting to be the last. 

My voice is very pretty. It was so worthy of being trained and helped along its way. Yet the psychological impact of the way the classes were constructed left me feeling disappointed in myself that I hadn’t had the guts to get up and shine. 

As I write this now to you I feel so sad. I feel sad for Natalie if I could only have held her hand and told her how strong she was and how beautiful the process of growth is. But more importantly how feedback when it is given in a loving and subjective way is good for ones soul. 

My university experience has actually manifested itself in a recurring dream. I awake from the dream in a panic that I haven’t finished my degree. Do you have a reoccurring dream of unworthiness haunting you to cosmic soul? 

I was so ashamed of the 2/2 degree I never went to my graduation. I had worked so hard. My head constantly in books, I worked my body hard too suffering from Bulimia eating only sweetcorn and dates on many days. I also worked hard and earned over 7000 pounds each year to pay for my living. 

Are you surprised that when it came to singing practise I couldn’t ever face it? What I truly couldn’t face was the fact I wasn’t being true to myself. I was doing everything physically and mentally possible to deviate from opening my heart and body to the act of singing. 

Having just turned 40 I am so excited to say the fear of the judgement no longer binds me to waiting to be the last to be chosen. I now choose to put myself first. Who knows what the next 10 years will hold for me? What I do know is that my voice moves people. 

I have always had this power within me to move people through words and communication. So let the unfolding commence as I relish in the deliciousness of the unknown. 

Thank you for reading this cosmic soul. Here are 2 questions for you to ponder upon when it comes to facing fears and following your instinct. 

When you think about relishing in the unfolding of the unknown what fears come up for you? 

What power have you always known lies within you and how do you keep it hidden?

Want to work with me? And start to uncover your soul defining moment? Hover over this link and then press it as you begin to let your soul fuel the way…

Here is the link again just in case you missed it!! Cosmic Soul Living